Summary. The best way to build relationships with your employees is to improve how you work together, not to take a break from working. Listen to employees during your one-on-one’s. Let them set the agenda, but at the end solicit feedback on what you could do or stop doing that would make you a better boss. Give feedback — both praise and criticism — that helps your employees grow. Achieve results collaboratively by taking time to debate important decisions, and making sure it’s clear who the decider is. And, finally, have the kind of career conversations that are not narrowly focused on career ladders, but instead help each employee take a step in the direction of their dreams.
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The relationships that you form with each of your direct reports are central to your ability to fulfill your three core responsibilities as a manager: Create a culture of feedback, build a cohesive team, and achieve results collaboratively. But these relationships do not follow the rules of other relationships in our lives; they require a careful balancing act. You need to care personally, without getting creepily personal or trying to be a “popular leader.” You need to challenge people directly and tell them when their work isn’t good enough, without being a jerk or creating a vicious cycle of discouragement and failure. That’s a hard thing to do.
When you can care personally at the same time that you challenge directly, you’re on the way to successful leadership. The term I use to describe a good manager–direct report relationship, and this ability to care and challenge simultaneously, is radical candor.So what can you do to build radically candid relationships with each of your direct reports? And what are the pitfalls to avoid?
Don’t focus on socializing. Do listen and give a damn. All too often, managers behave as if relationships get built and repaired at the office holiday party or other social events, and damaged by the work. If the only way you build relationships with your employees is by socializing, one of two bad things will happen: You won’t work enough at work, or your work social obligations will take over your nights and weekends andyou’ll have no life outside of your job.
Rather than endless lunches or dinners or boondoggles, one of the best ways to build a good relationship with your employees is to make sure they feel heard. I will never forget the words of an entrepreneur whose company had been acquired for hundreds of millions. He was quitting less than a year after the acquisition, leaving enormous personal wealth on the table. Why? With tears in his eyes, helamented, “Nobody listens to me here.”
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I knew what he meant. When I left a job I’d once loved, I explained why: “It’s too frustrating to watch a company spend so much time hiring great people, and then refuse, steadfastly, to listen to a single word they say. It’s humiliating, like getting paid to sit down and shut up.” In that case, the problem was that my boss’s boss didn’t listen. His inability to listen rendered thousands of conversations that were happening under him pointless.
So make sure you know what your people are thinking. Solicit feedback from your employees, and show you care. This starts with effective one-on-ones. Make sure your employee sets the agenda, not you. And make listening tangible. Showing you’re listening is important not just for your relationship with each of your direct reports, but for everyone who works for them. The combination of these relationships is what really creates a culture that is self-reinforcing and helps you achieve results.
Don’t focus on chitchat. Do focus on feedback. Your employees don’t really want to gab with you about sports or the weather or politics or TV. What they want from their boss is somebody who can help them grow professionally. People grow most when they make mistakes. This means that you’ll build better relationships by sharing your feedback than by having idle conversation. And remember, feedback is both praise and criticism. Praise your employees early, often, and in public. Be specific about what was good and why. Be sincere — if you don’t mean it, don’t say it. Remember, the purpose of praise is not to boost egos; it’s to boost learning and growth.
Don’t focus on perks. Do focus on achieving results collaboratively. Extra vacation, a free lunch, a fabulous office space — all these things feel exceptionally empty if your team is not achieving results, if they are achieving results in the wrong way, or if their contributions to success are not recognized. Perks can reflect and reinforce a culture, but they can’t create it.
Much more important than buying a Ping-Pong table is taking the time to help people on your team nurture new ideas; creating a culture of debate for important topics; making it clear who owns decisions and why (and making sure you aren’t always the decider!); bringing others along; ensuring that employees have time to execute; and being open to admitting mistakes and learning from them. This is how you achieve results collaboratively. Your relationships deepen with collaboration, not with extra perks.
Don’t be promotion-obsessed. Do focus on career conversations. Helping employees achieve career goals will certainly help you build better relationships. Russ Laraway, my cofounder, showed me that it’s both necessary and possible to teach managers to get to know their employees at a human level. When we worked together at Google, Russ developed a Career Conversation methodology that required all of his managers to have the following three conversations with each employee: (1) Listen to the employee’s life story to learn what motivates them at work;(2) ask employees about their dreams of the future to learn what skills they need to develop;(3) together, develop a career action plan that is focused on the employee’s motivations and life goals, rather than a narrow and uninspiring focus on the next promotion.
When Russ first told me he was going to fly dozens of managers to California to teach them how to get to know their employees, I was skeptical. Don’t people already know how to do that? No, not always. And even those who do often don’t realize they are supposed to have those kinds of conversations with their employees. They are worried about crossing boundaries in our litigious world. Rolling out Career Conversations moved the needle on employee satisfaction metricslike “My manager cares about me” more than anything else Google tried that year and won Russ accolades for being one of the best people leaders at the company.
In summary, the best way to build relationships with your employees is to improve how you work together, not to take a break from working. Listen to employees during your one-on-ones. Let them set the agenda, but at the end solicit feedback on what you could do or stop doing that would make you a better boss. Give feedback — both praise and criticism — that helps your employees grow. Achieve results collaboratively by taking time to debate important decisions and making sure it’s clear who the decider is. And, finally, have the kind of career conversations that are not narrowly focused on career ladders, but that instead help each employee take a step in the direction of their dreams.
FAQs
Why is small talk important in the workplace? ›
Small talk is an opportunity to make a quick connection with someone, to get to know something about them, and to open the door to a deeper and more meaningful conversation. A seemingly unimportant chat with someone can help you understand their communication style and give you some insight into their personality.
Is small talk good or bad? ›Small talk is a good way to start a conversation with someone you don't know or don't know well. If the talk progresses, it can even start a friendship. Small talk is also a good way to pass the time in certain situations, such as when waiting in line at the store.
How does small talk build relationships? ›Often, people think small talk is pointless, awkward, inauthentic, or takes a lot of work. But research shows people who engage in regular chit-chat have better well-being and stronger relationships. That's because small talk is a social lubricant and the foundation of any relationship, Methot says.
What is the purpose of small talk? ›It allows them to signal their own mood and to sense the mood of the other person. At the end of a conversation: suddenly ending an exchange may risk appearing to reject the other person. Small talk can be used to mitigate that rejection, affirm the relationship between the two people, and soften the parting.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of small talk? ›It helps you initiate friendliness on a time crunch. You might not be able to have an in-depth conversation with someone if you're in a rush. However, if you initiate some sort of commonality to go back to, it becomes easier to follow up. It creates a sense of connectedness in an otherwise distracted world.
What are the negatives of small talk? ›But research published in 2020 found that small talk has positive and negative effects in the office. On one hand, it can increase employee well-being and promote workplace citizenship, but it also distracts from completing tasks, hurting productivity.
What is better than small talk? ›Better than Small Talk was created by me, Kat Vellos, to provide individuals and teams with community-building experiences, workshops, and connection tools that help people break through the wall of small talk and get into real, heart-pumping, mind-sparkling conversations.
What are the big benefits of small talk? ›Brief but warm exchanges have a direct effect on happiness, Dr. Waldinger said. These kinds of minute interactions can affect your mood and energy throughout the day, and ongoing research begun in the 1970s has shown that they contribute to a greater sense of well-being.
Does small talk build trust? ›Build Relationships and Trust
Small talk helps you build relationships with people in business, which can also lead to increased trust among one another. This is true for both colleagues or employees, as well as clients and customers.
- Allows people to get to know each other better.
- Establishes common ground.
- Build rapport.
What is small talk in workplace? ›
Small talk is a social skill. It's a social lubricant that fills the void between uncomfortable silence and a productive conversation. It's informal, polite, and often revolves around unimportant things. It helps gauge the mood of a room and the tone of a discussion with a few brief interactions.
Is small talk necessary in a relationship? ›Small talk may seem trivial but it's a natural way for people to connect. It may seem like a waste of time. But it serves a vital role in our social interactions. Big relationships are built on small talk.
What is opposite of small talk? ›Small Talk – polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters. Big talk – deep, meaningful conversation about important issues that also helps you get to know the other person better.
Which is the most important element of small talk? ›In summary, the essential elements to use small talk successfully are: listening, and asking the speaker relevant questions.
When should you do small talk? ›Small talk is light, informal conversation. It's commonly used when you're talking to someone you don't know very well and at networking and social events.
How do you master small talk at work? ›- Step #1: Briefly Reveal Something About Yourself. Don't go silent after you shake hands and introduce yourself—continue by volunteering something about yourself. ...
- Step #2: Ask an Open-Ended Question That's Fairly Easy to Answer. ...
- Step #3: Direct the Conversation to Current Events.
Making small talk can feel meaningless, but that doesn't mean that it is. Small talk is a way of testing each other out and finding out whether you want to talk to this person more. Small talk isn't actually about the topic you're discussing. Instead, it's about the subtext.
Why do people struggle with small talk? ›Some people hate small talk because they perceive it as a waste of time and as an impediment to a meaningful conversation; others may hate it simply because they are not good at it. How you feel about small talk depends to some extent on where you are from.
Is it rude to not like small talk? ›This is a perfectly fine personality trait, and all that this means is that you like to spend time alone or in deep conversations. Introverts don't hate small talk for any negative reasons, they simply try to avoid it because they feel that it's a waste of their time.
Do people enjoy small talk? ›Most People Don't Like Small Talk
We now know from the research that most people prefer deeper, meaningful dialogues to superficial conversations. Humans yearn for authenticity and connection.
What is one word for a small talk? ›
banter, chatter, gossip.
How do you end a small talk? ›- Tip 1: Provide a rationale for ending the conversation. ...
- Tip 2: Leverage your immediate surroundings to create the rationale. ...
- Tip 3: Make an introduction. ...
- Tip 4: Foreshadow the ending.
A project in the U.K. that prompted people to greet drivers on bus routes showed that people have a greater sense of community when they engage in small talk. Two researchers agree - and say that casual interactions make us happier and feel more connected.
Is small talk a skill? ›Making small talk might be something that you dread, or something that you're comfortable with. Either way, it's a skill that you can learn and improve upon. There are three steps to developing your ability to make small talk: be prepared, start talking, and do it again!
How do I stop small talk without being rude? ›Be honest and direct.
Statements like, “I'm sorry, I am just not in the mood to have a conversation right now,” or “I feel too preoccupied to have a conversation at the moment” are polite ways to excuse yourself from conversation.
Talking about the weather
It looks like it's going to snow. It sure would be nice to be in Hawaii right about now. I hear they're calling for thunderstorms all weekend. We couldn't ask for a nicer day, could we?
You probably know by now that making small talk is an essential communication skill. These brief, casual conversations are a great way to get to know new people, but they can be even more important in the workplace.
What are the three parts of small talk? ›- Express. The first step is to make a statement expressing your opinion. ...
- Expose. In this step, you add to your statement, by mentioning something about yourself, in relation to the topic. ...
- Encourage.
Some people feel uncomfortable making small talk, but others thrive on it. "To 'talk well' in the social sense, to be adept at sending the correct social signals, is a different skill than 'talking well' in the communicative sense," explains Roberts at Vox. "And the two skills do not always go together.
How to talk without small talk? ›- Learn How to Ask Better Questions. “Without a good question, a good answer has no place to go.” - ...
- Develop a List of Go-To Questions. ...
- Ladder Your Way Up to Vulnerability. ...
- Ask People About Their Life Story. ...
- Take the Plunge: Ask Something Interesting.
What are the rules of small talk? ›
- Do a Little Homework.
- Greet people appropriately.
- Remember names.
- Don't hold back.
- Draw the other person out.
- When in doubt, discuss the setting.
- Revive a dying conversation.
- Make proper introductions.
You can ask most small talk questions in five to ten minutes. As previously mentioned, a large part of social communication is in non-verbal cues, so it is good to pay attention to how the other person responds in their body language, voice tone, etc.
Why is small talk beneficial? ›Here are 4 benefits of small talk: It enables us to find common ground and shared interests. It improves active listening skills. It helps us build muscles to overcome social discomfort and improve spontaneity.
Is small talk in the office beneficial? ›“People generally feel better, have more positive social emotions and a sense of connection when engaging in small talk,” said Patrick Downes, assistant professor of management at the University of Kansas School of Business.
How do you engage in small talk at work? ›- Step #1: Briefly Reveal Something About Yourself. Don't go silent after you shake hands and introduce yourself—continue by volunteering something about yourself. ...
- Step #2: Ask an Open-Ended Question That's Fairly Easy to Answer. ...
- Step #3: Direct the Conversation to Current Events.
Not making small talk when it's expected can come across as a personal snub. The alternative to being polite is, unfortunately, being rude. This makes other people feel uncomfortable and even upset. Many of us have to make small talk at work.